literature

How to enervate an egotistic entity

Deviation Actions

Published: Mar 29, 2013

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Literature Text

^{Do you have that insolent acquaintance who does not feel the need to shut up, like ever? Does he/she/it gloat constantly about themselves to the whole of the general populace, and their mothers? Frankly, are they and their garrulous garbling getting on your nerves? If you answered yes to any of these questions, the following solutions may prove effect for any mortal in need of a pedestal chiseler.

THE FASHIONABLE METHOD
Subject must be four legged and furry. Must enjoy cold nights, frosty winters, and the general extreme conditions. Sharp teeth and claws are optional.

Step One, find a dragon. Must be of terrorizing capabilities, or method will not proceed as directed. Fire breathing and acid spitting varieties are preferred.
Step Two, anger the dragon. Additional bystanders (helpless villagers, royalty) must be present. Tail stepping is not encouraged. If followed through properly, a hero will emerge on scene.
Step Three, appeal to the hero. You will find the 'hero' is typically courageous, compliant, and most definitely gullible type. Believes what he does will always save the day. Capable of such feats, but alas also suffers from stupidity (refers to a medical textbook). Persuade this 'hero' by any available method in your arsenal (poor groveling is the most popular, while pubs have been found the most effective) that the dragon of his predicament can only be conquered if the pelt of (insert subject here) is worn into battle.
Step Four, observe as your desired subject is slain at sword point, (or spearpoint depending on your region) by the hero. Additional weapons can be thrown in for your enjoyment.

THE TATTLETALE METHOD
Subject must be of the manly persuasion and find pride in being a formidable sportsman. All powerful father and a mutual friendship with those of the arachnid classification is also required.

Step One, subject to subject to that persuasive arsenal of yours (refer to step three of previous method) to convince him he is the best hunter of (insert personal decision here). The subject's loquacious demeanor will suffice.
Step Two, put up with some more of the subject's self butt kissing. Eventually, the word of your subject's will reach ear of your superiors (75% accuracy) and they will become angered with the subject, as they believe they are the best at (personal decision). Convince superiors (refer back to the former step three) that you have the means to solve this crisis.
Step Three, plot with your arachnid friend. This method is most effective if a scorpion, or similarly poisonous critter in use. Paint a picture in the mind of that critter, that the hunter has offended/ troubled/ endangered (etc.) him/her. Exhibiting riling, pity, and legitimate (exaggerated) concern are encouraged.
Step Four, prepare dessert scot-free as arachnid and subject duel to the death ( the success rate is 67.93%). Have father clean up mess. Cleaning up methods can vary.

THE MAIN COURSE METHOD
Subject must be of the feminine persuasion and be quite pretty. Powerful connections are preferred. Must have a high tolerance for gossip and drama.

Step One, repeat steps one and two of 'The Tattletale Method'. Replace the personal decision with beauty. However, be prepared for overzealous conversations and catty put downs.
Step Two, convince superiors they must set their brutish beast upon the subject. If no beast in is residence, consult your local storyteller for the most available substitution.
Step Three, Unleash beast. The more devastation that occurs, the better. Convince subject (refer to 'The Fasionable Method' step three) that they must be offered as a sacrifice to the beast. Methods of sacrification range from being tied to a cliff, suspension from a amiable wire, tied to a pole, etc. Subject must be bound in all situations. Participants conclude adding meat increases the success frequency of the method. The more pathetic and helpless the subject the better. Community cooperation is encouraged for this step. Feel free to include any who loathe/ despise the subject.
Step Four, Either results in subject being ingested by beast or rescued by a 'hero'. Results vary greatly.

The final solution is not guaranteed. If the listed methods do not work for you, feel free to devise your own based on this result-proven formula derived from our private laboratories.
" suspicion+beast+hero+mortal danger = adieu subject ! "
We have also come to the conclusion that some other individuals have invented what they call "ethical". Please disregard these imposters, simply talking to the arrogant does not result in any significant results.

On that note, we hope you find our methods effect in silencing your inarticulate companion. Happy revenge solution implementing!

NOTE: We are not responsible for any casualties, destruction, or the like that occurs when our methods our implemented. User discretion advised.
[c. legendary consultants whatever the mortal year-end of time]}

^{3/28/13
I have no idea where this came from except from that I was playing Portal part dos at the time. The base idea for the steps were all taken from constellation myths, whatever their origins were~ c;
edit: Oh wow, I didn't see this coming. My first DLD! Thank you very much!}